Grateful Reflections

Yesterday I had to go to the hospital to have some tests after my Dr. found some lumps under my arm. For a week prior I felt assured that it would be nothing and was not worried, but I had to have a mammogram and an ultrasound of the area. I had to go to the hospital and not a regular office so a radiologist could read the results on the spot. It wasn't until I was there and in the room, which they made to look like someones living room, only with a big machine to squish boobies in it, they told me it had been since 2004 since my last mammo that I got a little nervous. She took the images and put them on the lighted wall and asked me to put on the gown and wait to get the ultrasound. As I waited and looked at the xrays my anxiety level elevated. I could see some white spots and some looked big and spread out. Could it really be?

Laying there, waiting, in a room that had sunflowers everywhere, even floated above me from the ceiling, someones idea of making the experience we women have to go through a little more calming , I felt peace come over me. I didn't know if the Dr. would come in and give me bad news or not. So I went to my place. A place I marked in a moment of time...I may need it, I may want to use it at some time I thought...it was in the summer of 2006, at the lake, Bass Lake and I was floating on a round tube, in a beautiful cove we had stopped in to make lunch and hang out. I looked up at the blue sky, surrounded by tall pine trees. The water was deep green and just the right temperature. I could hear my family, talking and laughing, my kids, my grand kids, my husband. It was perfect, all I could ask for. I book marked it right then and there in my mind. I can use this moment in time, my perfect everything!

Back in the examine room, I lay there thinking whatever happens, I am at peace. All I ever wanted was to be able to raise my kids to adulthood, not to die when they were kids and when they needed me so or would be devastated and sad without a mom. I can't think of anything other than losing one of them that would be worse. I used to worry so much about this that I sought counseling and I remember a session in which my therapist had me envision a time many years in the future in which I would be a grandmother and sitting at a table with lots of grandchildren and I would be so joyful. He promised me that I would have that. I cried, really broke down and sobbed at that image and believed in it and it brought me peace. That is where I am at this point in my life, all I ever wanted. It would be sad to get bad news, terrifying, but I knew I could deal with it, I have my faith which is strong and I've raised my kids to be strong and they have each other, they would be ok.

I thought of the other women, in the waiting room, those in the past, who have sat in my spot and did receive news that would change their lives and I felt sorry, so sorry for them that I said a little prayer for them. Life, you just never know. It's good to be prepared, to have faith, to have loved ones to love and support you, to have a place you can take yourself to feel at peace. Thankfully I am fine (I do have to see a surgeon for one last ck), thank to have had this experience in which I had a chance to reflect and be ever more grateful.